discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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