I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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