I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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