I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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