Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
