I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
