Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
