I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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