I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
