My nipple is on Facebook.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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