It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
