I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
