Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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