I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
as a side note pls kill me
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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