??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
