Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
