I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
