You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
