What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
