so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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