My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
