Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
His nipple licking is glorious
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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