The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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