This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
