I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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