Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
