Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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