woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
