I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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