I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize