Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize