The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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