Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
