There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
