Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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