I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
