Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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