Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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