our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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