Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
