Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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