tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
