I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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