Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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