Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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