i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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