my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize