Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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