On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I love black thongs
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
