I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
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