I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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