I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
