All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
