Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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