i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
