No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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