Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
