His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize