Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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