Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The uberlube is also flammable
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
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