Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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