My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
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